Maddy

I was so proud of Maddy today. She is very independent and when we walk, she doesn't want to hold your hand. When I pick her up from daycare I always carry her to the car cause otherwise we will stay at the daycare until they close or she will pitch a fit if I don't go the way she wants to go or if I hold her hand. The past couple of days she has fussed when it was time to leave because she was wanting to walk. The first time I still carried her. I decided that since it was Friday I would try to let her walk to the car. She started out wanting to go down the hall and I just quickly grabbed her hand and told her, "No we have to go this way." Surprisingly she actually followed me with no problems. We made it to the door, then she wanted to take off running, so I once again grabbed her hand and she made herself fall down and cry for just a second. I picked her back up and she continued right on to the car. I was so proud of her. I have tried this before, but she pitched a fit the entire time and wouldn't get up and walk. Once she realized she had to get in the car instead of exploring outside she wasn't a happy camper and once again made herself fall down. I picked her up and loved on her and she just put her head down on my shoulder. I think the real problem was she was sleepy but even with her being tired she did so good. With the weather getting warmer I am going to start working with her at home about listening to what I am saying as well as teaching her that sometimes we have to hold mommy's hand. I tried this last weekend, but chose a really bad time to let her have her outside time. She was beyond tired and just pitched a fit over any and everything. I am really trying to work on her vocabulary as well. She understands so much more than she can say. She's not behind in her talking by any means, but there are a few words I really want to try to teach her. She can say "mama", "nana" "doggie" "toaby" "misty" "dada" "bye bye" "night night" "bottle" "drink" "bite bite" "more" "bath" She can say all these things, but she doesn't necessarily use them all the time. She doesn't call me "mama". She just goes "uh....uh" if she is wanting something and points. The one thing she says ALL the time is more, more. I'm trying to get her to call me mommy. She will repeat what I say and she even said her own name...it was so cute. I did teach her something about the word mommy unknowingly. In hoping she would correlate me to the word I was pointing to myself as I said "mama" so now if she says mama she will point to herself. I think it's so cute. I do think there have been a few times here and there she has called me mama, I actually think she did that tonight on our walk but some of her sounds sound like the same thing. For example, when she wants more of something she says, "mo mo" and I am wondering if there have been times when she was saying mama but I thought she was saying more. If I'm not sure what she is saying I always asked if she wanted more and did the sign. Well, anytime you ask her if she wants more she is going to immediately start saying more as she does the sign. Her "hi" and "bye" sound very similar to each other as well as "night night" "bite bite" and "bye bye" I have working hard in trying to teach her to say love you, but I don't think she's quite ready for that yet. She listens very intently right now when I say that. As I change her diaper I say "love you" a whole lot. I know that any day now she will pop up saying "love you" with all the listening she is doing with it. I don't cram a bunch of words her way..right now there are 2 things i'm working on on a consistent basis..."mama" and "love you" She is so super smart and even her teacher sees just how smart she is. I wish I could claim this trait, but I think she is going to have her daddy's brains. He is very book smart and I think Maddy will be as well. I just really hope she learns common sense and can be "people" smart as well. The picture on this blog is a picture I took while she was at school. We are both so ready for it to be warm every day. We took a walk around the neighborhood the past 2 nights and she has loved it. She absolutely loves being outside as do I. Last summer we took many walks, but she was in her stroller...this summer...I'm not so sure that will fly with her. I'm hoping she will still take walks in her stroller as long as she gets to roam around plenty too. I'm also really hoping she will stay in the pool longer this year than she did last year. I'm really not sure she will...I actually think she will not last as long as she did last year since she is able to motivate on her own. I am really hoping we get to go to the beach this year, even if it's just for a weekend. I'd much rather stay the week though...I haven't stayed a week in Florida in years. I am working on a way to get us to the beach now and I think I have a really good plan and it can happen, but I really don't want to take her alone. I know I could do it if I had to, but I'd have a really hard time getting luggage to the room..actually for startes it'd be hard checking in because she would want down and would pitch a fit cause I obviously couldn't put her down, then the luggage, then there's the whole dining by myself thing. Anyways, all in all I just wanted to brag on Maddy in this post. She is so sweet and loving and I love her so much! It seems like as time goes on we just seem to bond more and more. I'm really hoping to get more followers on my blog so if you know anybody that might be interestd in hearing my rambling please send them my way. I'd also like to hear from other mom's on any tips they have to share as far as raising kids...especially single parents. If you have any tips on traveling with a toddler I'm all ears on that as well.

The Upside of Things

I had so many other things that I was gonna blog about tonight...btw, I really don't like the word blog lol. I was going to talk about Maddy, although I must admit now that I can't remember what I was going to say about her. I was going to give my opinion on the show Teen Mom. I was going to talk about how I was feeling today. These were going to be three seperate blogs..I know crazy right? Well, the calender thing that my mom got me for Valentine's day...I realized I hadn't read what the thought of the day was for today. Before I tell you what it says, I will give a brief description of my day. I decided to get smart and see what I need to make production wise for today and tomorrow in order to meet for the week. I was a little stressed over it, especially since I basically have no work. I came with the attitude that i WOULD meet production and I'm happy to say that I actually went a little over what I had to do in order to meet, so if I can meet tomorrow then I will have succeeded and no emails from my manager. Anyways, I still feel a sense of sadness over the breakup, but I was able to focus a lot more at work and I actually only ended up having one crying spell. I feel as if I am ok with my life moving in the direction it is even though I have no idea where I'm really going. I still have moments where I want to text him or tell him something, but that is starting to go away. I do find myself thinking about him almost every minute of the day and I think I will do that for a while before it starts to go away. I woke up this morning with a little regret over last night's blog but decided it was good for me to tell how exactly how I was feeling and I really believe it is going to help me heal a lot faster than if I just kept that to myself. So that is my day in a nutshell. After I got done with work I saw my calender laying on the floor. I decided to read today's thought and instantly knew that was God talking directly to me. It says, "Don't worry about seeing or understanding what the future holds. God wants you to trust Him as He leads you, even though you can't see clearly ahead. And don't be overly concerned about fully comprehending the past. Only He knows the whole truth about it, anyway. You have Him now. He is your light. And that's all that matters." My analytical mind starts to instantly have questions such as what does it mean for me when it says, "don't be overly concerned about fully comprehending the past. Only He knows the whole truth about it, anyway." It may mean absolutely nothing, but it also might mean something. For now I am just going to say it means that my thoughts were right in the beginning, I just don't know the full details. If that is the case then I know I will be 100% ok. I think I will read this over and over because it really pertains to my situation. I want to be in the center of God's will and I plan on keeping my focus on Him, and Maddy of coarse. This inspirational thought has just made me so happy because I am feeling hope again. Even though I feel completely lost in life it's a nice reminder that God is leading me and all I have to do is trust Him. That sounds so easy, but it's not always so easy because we don't see the big picture like He does. I am so thankful that the Lord is in control of my life. I just want to end saying thank you Lord for loving me and guiding me and being patient with me. I definitely can't see the road ahead of me very clear, but I will do my best to put 100% of my trust in you.

6 week six pack

So my valentine present to myself was Jillian Michaels 6 week six pack. I had my eye on the dvd for a while now and was surprised to find that it was only $7.99 at WalGreens. I have a couple of Jillian Michaels dvd's and let me tell you...they are hard! I thought this workout wouldn't be as hard since it focus' on the abs...boy was I ever wrong. You get a cardio workout while you are working your abs. Not only was my stomach sore, but my legs were killing me the next day. I've only completed 2 days and would like to see the 6 weeks through to see what kind of shape I can get my abs back in. Before having Maddy I had a pretty good core. I didn't have a six-pack and I'm really not sure I want a six-pack, but it was toned. After having Maddy, it's pretty much like a bowl of jelly lol. I'm hoping this workout will help me get my stomach back as much as I possibly can.

Surrender

Music helps me express myself. I was going through my iTunes yesterday looking for songs that would be appropriate for my life right now. Little humor added here...I titled the playlist breakup tunes. Ok so as I was searching for songs that would help me express my feelings I found this song by Barlowgirl called Surrender. The song starts out with this: "My hands hold safely to my dreams, clutching tightly not one has fallen, so many years I've shaped each one, reflecting my heart, showing who I am, now you're asking me to show, what I'm holding oh so tightly, can't open my hands can't let go." I feel like this song is me in a nutshell at this point in my life. I think losing Maddy's dad still seems so surreal to me. I know it happened, but I still find myself hoping everytime my phone goes off that it's him. Once I realized that it will never be him unless it is something he wants with Maddy, the tears start pouring all over again. Today as I was trying to focus on work all of a sudden I got this urge to text him to say I love you and I grabbed my phone then I quickly realized what I was doing and quickly put my phone back down. I feel so lost right now. As I said in my blog last night everything in my life always included him. With him out of my life it's almost as if I don't quite know what to do. My plans were for us to get married and raise our daughter together...to be a family. Those are the things that I was holding on so tightly to. As I said last night, I know God has a plan for me. Even though I feel so lost I know God knows exactly where I am going. I do feel as if I'm right where the Lord wants me, but it doesn't mean I'm happy about it right this minute. I am hurting so badly right now and I find myself getting so angry at my ownself for even allowing him back into my life after we had been apart for 8 months. I know as time goes on I will look back on this and see that my being sad didn't really last all that long and I'm really hoping that as time goes on I will see that my life is much much better than it would have been had we stayed together. I know I am just rambling and it's not very enjoyable to read two posts that are very similar in topic, but I have to get rid of this pain somehow. How does one get through the days when there is so much pain involved? God is here yes, but that doesn't mean He's going to take the pain away from me. Sometimes it seems so overwhelming and I feel as if I will feel this way forever. I have to find my way in life again and soon. I think going back to school will help me with this. I think the other thing that will help is to keep my eyes focused on the Lord and just take it one step at a time. I have pretty much gone here there and everywhere in this post...as I often say..welcome to my head lol. The whole point in this blog though was because this song has really stood out to me in my current situation. I wasn't ready to let him go...I never wanted to let him go, but God had other plans and I am trying my best to carry on with my life, but I am struggling greatly. I will surrender my entire life to the Lord's will for me. "I will still love you Lord!"

A Rollercoaster Of New Beginnings

This blog is going to be a really hard one for me to write. I have worked so hard to suppress/suck up my real feelings in order to get through and now I am going to talk about it all, which is going to unhash those feelings I've worked so hard to keep to myself. Today my life changed semi-unexpectedly. Me and Maddy's dad have been off and on for a total of two years...this august would have been 3. The longest we have been apart was 8 months and we decided to try to make it work once more I would say the week of Maddy's first birthday. We didn't really tell people we were together because we were always off and on...the only people that really knew were my mom and step dad. We were doing pretty good up until recently. I won't really go into specifics but it boiled down to him deciding for me that I would be better off with someone else. I instantly saw my whole future just go down the drain. Everything I have been working towards has always included him in the picture. We were working on getting to a place where we could get married and that's exactly what I was expecting...I was expecting our family to truly be a family. I felt secure in the fact that I had my partner to help me with Maddy as every mom needs some "mom" time. He comes to visit her every Sunday so I used that time for my mom time which included doing her laundry lol. Now I am left with no support. He was the person I'd go to when Maddy did something neat or cute or if she was pitching a fit that night I'd tell him about it. I'm sure I can still tell him things Maddy does as she is his daughter too, but it's just not the same. So as I was listening or rather sitting in silence I sat there in a daze. In a way I felt like I was dreaming. I want to say I felt numb, but that's not entirely true cause all I felt like doing is completely shutting down and crying my eyes out. I thought about the plans we had made for the spring/summer such as camping and eventually finding a way to get to the beach. Never did I really think I'd go through life without him around. I feel as if I have been kicked to the curb with nothing but the clothes on my back. When I stress out about my job or even worse if I do get fired I don't have that support that says it's ok..we will get through this. I have gone through the day being ok one minute and then have a river of tears the next. The fact of the matter is I know that God has a plan for me...He has since before I was even born. Unfortunately I just don't think His plan includes Maddy's dad. I know there is a possibility that He does have somebody out there for me who will love me and Maddy more than I could ever imagine. I also know that there is a big chance that His plan includes me being single for the rest of my life. I am ok being single. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I wish I wasn't, but I can be content with singleness. Actually, right before I met Maddy's dad I had been having a hard time getting over a break up that happened a year before. I was at church and I just was able to completely give my whole life, including my love life, over to the Lord. That was in May and then in August I met Maddy's dad. I wasn't looking and it did just seem to come to me, so I just knew we would end up together forever. Even though I am in a lot of emotional pain right now from losing her dad, in the midst of it all I feel a sense of peace. I really feel God is right here with me and has been preparing me for a few days. My valentine's gift from my mom was a daily calender that has inspirational quotes about the hard times in life. As soon as I saw what it was my first thought was oh great, I'm about to go through something that this is going to come in handy. I actually expected to get fired that day and who knows..that day is probably coming sooner rather than later as I am still not meeting production. I received a card on valentine's that said, "You are loved" and then I received a letter in the mail on valentine's that said the exact same thing, "You are loved." I didn't think too much about those then, but today I sure did. Soon after we broke up today I received a text message from a friend that said love you buddy. I instantly knew God was going to get me through this tough time. He's not going to take the pain away...that's something that in time will heal. I have to allow myself to cry it out when I feel the need and it's an appropriate time as I will not cry in front of Maddy...or anybody else for that matter. I wait till it's bedtime or when I'm by myself to let my feelings come out. In the midst of this trying to figure out where my new life was heading, I talked to my enrollment advisor to get my application turned in at the University Of Phoenix. I was starting to think maybe I shouldn't do the school thing because I had planned on enlisting Maddy's dad's help if I needed it in order to get my work/studying done but I decided to go through with it because I do want this so bad but also I think it will be a great distraction for me. I don't really need to be alone nor do I need time to just be able to sit and dwell on what has just happened because I would never break out of my sadness. Going back to school is going to be a lot harder than I had originally imagined it would be because I will have to use the times I ask my mom for help very wisely. Even though she has offered to help, I don't feel real comfortable asking for her help because I know she has her own life to deal with without having to be available to help me keep my life going. I ask that if you are reading this you will please pray for me as well as Maddy. It scares me to think of the questions she may ask about her dad as she gets older. I have seen a facebook post where the child asked their mom why nobody loved her (mom) enough to marry her. I don't think Maddy would ask me that question, but I do wonder what questions she will ask about her dad and me. I wonder if I will be strong enough to be able to answer her without crying. I wonder a lot of things actually. One of my friends who actually inspired me to get back into blogging has started a prayer blog. I am going to include a button you can click on that will take you right to that blog and you can see what prayer requests are out there as well as let her know of any prayer needs you may have yourself. I have already reached out to her to add my situation to her prayer blog as this is an extremly rough journey for me and I'm doing my best to hold it together. As I said goodbye to one piece of my life, I said hello to a new piece. Here is the button to the prayer blog. I will post it on the side as well:

My Valentine

For Valentine's day me and Maddy pretty much just hung out. As you all know I made her heart donuts, but she wasn't too interested in eating it this morning. I didn't think she would as her eating habits are changing just a little. I do think her teeth are hurting her pretty bad and that is causing the appetite change. I dressed her in her valentine shirt that says, "Sweet Little Valentine." Maddy didn't have a normal dinner tonight. I want to say that I have never done this as I am all about making healthy food choices for her within reason, but tonight she got to eat whatever she wanted. She wasn't real hungry and mostly ate a bunch of junk. She had a chocolate cupcake, a few m&m's, a little corn, a bite of a mini oreo, but the thing she loved the most was gummy worms. I think they felt good on her teeth..kinda like a teether, but with flavor so she wanted to keep eating those. I also got her a teddy bear that sings "Cutie Pie Honey Bunch" I wanted to get this dog that sang and moved, but it was $10 and I just didn't think it was worth the money so i went with the less expensive thing, but this gift had more meaning to me. When my oldest niece Sara was little, I used to change up songs...not like a full parody, but just a word here or a word there. One of the songs I used to sing was "Cutie Pie Honey Bunch" and when it says, "I can't help myself, I love you and nobody else" I change the you with her name. It ended up being "I can't help myself, I love Sara and nobody else" She used to think it was so funny and really in truly I think it made her feel special. So I did the same thing tonight with Maddy although she's not at the age to where she understands that mommy isn't singing all the right words, but she still smiled when it played. After going through all the yummy goodies we danced a little to her teddy bear and then just explored the house. We had the house to ourselves tonight because my mom and step dad went and did their own valentine celebration. I have pictures, but don't have my camera nearby so I will have to post them later. I will admit that I had a few moments where I felt a little sad because even though I'm not the biggest fan of this day, it would still feel nice to be taken out to a nice dinner and treated a little more special than just any other day. After thinking in fantasy land for like 30 seconds or so I quickly snapped out and tried to make the most out of it. I'm disappointed in myself though for not doing more festive things with Maddy. I at least did better this year than I did last year. Last year I just got her a small stuffed animal the day before and put a bib on her and that was that. I know she won't remember today, but I still would have liked to have done more valentiny stuff with her. I am very curious as to what everybody else did for today or maybe you celebrated over the weekend. I'm sure a ton of people have gotten engaged today...in fact I already saw one person on facebook that got engaged tonight. I think that's sweet, but I think I still prefer to be engaged on Christmas Eve. If you're single, how did you get through this "single awareness" day as I have heard several people call it? My throat is starting to get sore and I am starting to feel a little blah so I think now is a good time to say goodnight. Happy Heart Day everybody!

First

So tonight I did something for the first time as sad as it is going to sound. I actually "baked" something. I have cooked before, but never baked. Luckily for me what I wanted to do was super easy. I'm not a typical woman in the fact that I just love to cook, but I do have a very odd fascination with cookbooks lol. I actually don't mind cooking at all, it's just the cleaning afterwards that I hate so much. So anyways, my mom does a lot of baking...mostly cakes. She makes all the cakes in our family and does a wonderful job. My favorite bakery around town is Federal Bake Shop over in Hixson and she has pretty much perfected her recipie to taste like theirs. Anyways, since she makes a lot of cakes throughout the year she is always finding cute things she can make things with. Apparently I have instilled in my oldest cousin to like hearts like me...I don't really know why she has chosen heart cakes these past couple of years but I like to say it's because of me lol. My mom found this awesome heart doughnut pan from the Sugar Shoppe, located on East Brainerd Road. I've been racking my brain trying to come up with fun things me and Maddy can do to celebrate Valentine's day. I am a very festive person so even if I'm not real big on the holiday, I still like to do celebrate. I got the idea to make Maddy Valentine doughnuts for breakfast. All you do is mix a few ingredients together, mix them in a mixer and spoon them into the pan. They only take about 5 minutes to bake. If you like cake doughnuts I highly recommend you try these. It gives you the recipie and even includes a glaze recipie. The pan is by Wilton's and it is $9.99 I do believe. I will post a few pictures of the plain and semi-decorated ones.