Mean and Alive

I have always loved this song...I love the way the music sounds and of coarse taylor always has some sort of relatable lyrics. I've always envisioned this song in a relationship kind of way, but I have realized it sparks an emotion from me that I had never really realized or thought about. As I listen to this song I quickly realize that I picture my dad. I have a lot of ill feelings towards my dad. I was never good enough for him and I always felt stupid. To this day I struggle greatly with feeling inferior to people and I have a huge fear of looking stupid. There was only one thing my dad never could say anything about...anything negative that is, and I think I subconsciously held on to that and made that a priority to maintain. There are things I know, such as in the Lord's eyes I am beautiful just the way I am, but how to apply that to my life I have no idea. It's like my head knows these things, but I guess it doesn't really know what to do with it lol. I do not like a lot of things from my childhood, but a lot of these things have really just made me a stronger person and has helped me be who I am. It has definitely been in the back of my mind as I raise Maddy. I do not allow words such as stupid or dumb or any other derogatory(sp?) words around her. If someone wants to say stupid, they should say "silly" I know Maddy will hear these words at one time or other but she is too young for all that negativity. I worry a lot of times over her self esteem. I want her to have positive self esteem regardless as to what other people may tell her. I think she will struggle with her esteem some as every teenager does, but I do see her being ok with herself.

This is the last video I will post in this one lol. I was actually at this concert and had no idea this was being filmed. This music video is from when they were in Chattanooga back in December 2009. I am posting this because I have really been missing my friend I have talked about, the one that decided we could no longer be friends. I have had him on my mind here and there and wonder how he's doing. Today someone from work asked me about him and I just felt like saying really? you really had to ask ME this?! He was a really good friend and was often my support system. We really seemed to bond and it breaks my heart that we are no longer friends. There was a group of us from work that would hang out from time to time outside of work and one thing we did that I absolutely loved was rockband night. This is where I realized I was decent on drums lol. We had so many laughs, primarily because one of our other friends is just a nut and attempted to sing songs and it was just hilarious. Our first rockband get together was when I was pregnant with Maddy. I think it was either June or July before she was due. I felt a little awkward because I was pregnant and I was pregnant out of wedlock, but I ended up having a really good time. We had one more rockband night before we were no longer friends and that was my birthday last year. Maddy was 6 months old and was just learning to attempt to crawl. I got to play a couple of songs but the rest of the time I had to watch because Maddy kept getting stuck in a laying down position or she was hungry or just wanted to be held. I tried to drum with her on my lap but she would grab the sticks and I got scared she would get hurt so I decided to just watch. I cannot wait till Maddy can play rockband with me because I think we will have a ball. Once I had Maddy my entire life changed. Friends I was friends with were no longer really friends because they had no clue what I was going through. Even my best friend that I am talking about tonight and mine relationship changed somewhat. We were really close still, but I guess I just felt that nobody understood me anymore because I was a mom and nobody in our group was. This isn't why we are no longer friends...it's just me talking lol. I could sure use a good friend like him right now. I think about him a lot and hope he is happy and doing well. I know he is doing somewhat well because he got out of our work lol. That has to make anybody happy hehe. It has been a huge relief to actually get some of my feelings out even though I still have a lot of school to do. I am going to just make myself make time to have some down time here and there because otherwise the stress bottles up and I melt down like I have been lately.