Labor Of Love

It seems that everybody is pregnant these days. I don't mean that to sound like a bad thing, it's a very exciting thing. I have struggled here and there ever since Maddy was around 10 months of wanting another baby. I'm not in a position to be having another one right now, or maybe ever for that matter...only the Lord knows that one. In the meantime, I'm enjoying hearing of everybody's pregnancy stages and I find myself reflecting back on when I was pregnant with Maddy. My pregnancy didn't seem to go the way I envisioned being pregnant would. In the beginning it did because once I got over the shock that I was indeed pregnant, I found myself beaming with happiness. There was nothing going to bring me down in the beginning. I didn't have a whole whole lot of sickness when I first found out. I remember wanting to get sick at least once cause that meant it really was real. The very first time I did get sick I will never forget. It was on a Saturday morning and after it happened I just smiled. I know that sounds really weird, but I was still not really grasping the fact that I was pregnant. I seemed to stay in a shock state for a little bit, but I was able to be in a shock/happy state as well. I ended up showing really early because I wanted to make sure to eat enough in order to maintain the pregnancy and keep baby safe. I remember being so anxious to really have the pregnancy belly in the early stages of pregnancy. The funny thing is, once I couldn't fit into my regular clothes anymore, which was right around 4 months, I kinda felt sad. I guess it's just one of the joys of being pregnant. I had morning sicknes..aka...all day sickness...up until my 2nd trimester. The sickness was pretty rough. There were times I felt like I was going to pass out and it freaked me out a lot. I also got extremely tired in the beginning stages of pregnancy. Once the sickness wore off I was able to enjoy a little bit of the pregnancy. It didn't take long though before I started getting real uncomfortable and felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand up for any length of time or the world would start spinning, I couldn't catch my breath, and I felt real shaky. I'm really not sure why I felt that way unless it really was the fact that my body couldn't handle the weight gain. I gained the maximum amount of weight they want you to gain, which is 35 lbs. I was happy with that while I was pregnant cause I've heard of people who gain a whole lot of weight with their first and then never can lose it. I guess I thought my weight would just fall right off by itself or something, but newsflash, it didn't!It took me up until Maddy was 13 months to finally get down to my pre-pregnancy weight and I'm still struggling a little with my weight as well as getting my body toned back up. I know this post seems really random...welcome to my head lol...but I've been contemplating posting something similar to this for a few days now. I was even going to talk solely about my having baby blues on tonight's post, but decided not to because I really don't want to hear people tell me all the reasons why I don't want to have another baby right now. I already know how hard it would be having 2 babies to look after and I remember how miserable I felt during pregnancy and how much sleep I'd lose and the list goes on. I left off the most important reason...I'm not married. I always said before I had Maddy that I was going to be the different one and do things right...well, I failed. Even though I failed, God still showed me in pregnancy and delivery that He still cared about me and the things that mattered to me. I stood in awe of the different ways I saw Him work throughout my pregnancy. The most amazing one of all was the day Maddy was born. Most first time mom's when they find out they are pregnant have nightmares or have fears of what labor is going to feel like...not me. My fear and my nightmares consisted of getting that stupid IV. I didn't care what labor felt like in the beginning, but I stressed and worried all day and all night about getting an IV. I have a major fear of needles. I was supposed to be induced on September 24 at 6 a.m. My prayer had been from the minute I found out I was pregnant that I would go naturally and that God would help me get through the IV whether I didn't have to have one or they would numb it or whatever the scenario could be. On September 22nd I started having some major discomfort but not where I thought I would if I were in labor. We went out to Cracker Barrel that night for dinner. I had had my last doctor appointment before baby came. Towards the end of dinner I had some pain shoot through that put me on the edge of my chair. I felt like jumping up and screaming, but knew I couldn't do that. I had no idea what was going on, but labor was nowhere in the back of my mind. It only happened every so often. We went on to Wal-Mart and as my step dad was trying on clothes it happened again. It seems like I told my mom that I was hurting in a weird place but I may have just kept it to myself. By the time we got home the pains had pretty much stopped. I did feel pressure in my stomach but I thought it was due to something else and so I just thought if I could curl up and get to bed it'd be better the next day. So 11 p.m. the pressure has kicked up a lot and I didn't feel like I could get to sleep. I forced myself to go to sleep and sleep I did until 1 a.m. when I woke up in severe pain. Labor still had not even crossed my mind cause it was not the type of pain I envisioned labor being. There was no going back to sleep so I decide to jump on myspace to try to get my mind off the pain. By this time it is 1:36 a.m. and I cannot sit at the computer anymore. Back to my bedroom I go and I realized that the pain was coming in waves. I got the bright idea to time them. I had one at 1:36 it went away by 1:37. Next one comes at 1:42...hmm...5 minutes apart. OH MAN!!! 5 minutes sounds like labor but surely this can't be labor. So, I decide to time another one. Next one happens...hmm..another 5 minutes. Nah, I'm not in labor. These are the thoughts that went through my head. If I admitted I was in labor, that meant I had no choice but to go to the hospital and get an IV. So I decide to take a bath. I can handle a whole lot of pain while in the bath. I start working on breathing just in case I was in labor and it took no time for the pain to go away. I thought it had completely stopped and by this time I'm so tired from lack of sleep as well as the heat from the tub that I decide to go back to bed. As soon as I hit the bed I have major pressure happen again. So I work through all night thinking I'd just wait to tell my mom once my step dad left for work that morning. The weird thing is something told me to grab my mom's exercise ball the night I went into labor but I was like what would I do with it in my room. Once I was in pain I was like I should have listened to my gut. Ladies, always listen to that little voice! I hear my step dad leave I guess around 5:30 or 6 a.m. so I text my mom...my text said, "When you get a minute can you come here?" I wait for what seems like an eternity, but it was only 30 minutes. I couldn't stand the pain much longer so I decide to call her. I told her I thought I was in labor and she's like ok we need to call the doctor. I was like but I might not be in labor and I explain how I feel and she's like you are in labor. By this time I am really panicking on the inside. I decided to wait a long while before I actually picked the phone up and called the doctor. I believe I called around 7:15 a.m. and answer the questions and she confirmed that yes, I was in fact in labor and to go to the hospital. Being in labor when contractions are 2-3 minutes apart and walking or riding in a car is no fun at all. I so wanted to stay home and just go from the tub to the exercise ball to my bed and alternate as frequent as needed, but my mom doesn't know how to birth a baby so I really had no choice lol. I handled labor so well on my own at home with the help of my mom. I was working through the pain which I was very proud of myself for. We get to the hospital and by this time I'm just crying so my mom asked if they could give me numbing medicine for the IV. The nurse that admitted me was wonderful and said she'd try to get me something. She did. Once I was admitted the nurses just wanted their convenience and being in labor with no epidural is not convenient to them and this one nurse told me I was inconveniencing her so I gave up on giving birth without the epidural soon after being admitted. I lost my concentration and couldn't get it back. I labored for 8 hours on my own at home and that's longer than I thought I'd last. I was between 4-5 cm dilated as well so contractions were very intense. Once the epidural was in...which was around 10:45 things started going downhill. I was told my blood pressure was almost bottoming out and then Maddy's heart rate wasn't doing so good either. I knew something wasn't right but I felt so out of it that I just laid there. They ended up having to put in an internal monitor cause they said they were having a hard time keeping up with baby the other way. So she puts it in and there is nothing. She has a look on her face that scared me half to death. No matter what she did she wasn't getting anything or it was very faint. She finally decides to check me and was like oh my goodness no wonder we can't get baby's heart rate...you're ready to push lol. whew...everything is going to be a ok. Once pushing began after half way through the nurse got a really scary look on her face that told me something was wrong. I can't remember everything that was said, but something was said and then she looked like something was wrong and I just start crying. She asked if she scared me and I didn't want to make her feel like it was her fault and I just said I'm just very emotional right now. After an hour of pushing Madison Paige was finally born. She was born at 3:01 p.m. and weighed in at 6lbs 2 oz. and was 19" long. When she was born she didn't cry and they had to immediately take her as she had passed miconium before delivery. It seemed like forever before I finally heard her cry. Once I heard her cry I just relaxed as much as possible and once it hit me everything that had happened I just started crying once again. I was told that they had to use a cpap on her to help her breath but luckily she turned out just as healthy as can be. If you are expecting I just want to say congratulations! You are about to embark on an amazing journey with your child. Maddy is the best thing that has happened to me and I thank God every day for her. She is my blessing and I love her more than words can say. I have to post this now as my battery is dying. I will re-read this later tonight or tomorrow to make sure it makes sense and flows as much as can be.

sadness/grief

I have read a few blogs over the time and so far there are two that really stick out to me. One being from the MTV show 16 & Pregnant (The Life Of Ashley Salaz something) and then there is the one I read today (In This Wonderful Life, I believe was the name). Both of these blogs have really stirred my emotions. Hearing the struggles Ashley went through when she decided to place her baby up for adoption is just overwhelming. It makes me think about Maddy and how I would feel if I decided to give her up for adoption and then had to live the rest of my life with that decision. Now don't misunderstand what I am getting at here...I do not think Ashley made a bad decision, just a hard one. After making the decision to give her baby to her aunt to raise, she quickly realized she couldn't go through life without her precious daughter Callie. That is a beautiful name. MTV showed a little of her struggles and I just wanted to reach out and hug her. She doesn't write on her blog much and she actually is contemplating closing it as it sounds she is having another round of struggles with the decision she made. The one I read today was about a little baby boy named Cohen. They found out when she was pregnant that their baby had 4 kinds of heart defects and the doctors weren't sure what was going to happen when he was born. She said when he was born he came out kicking and screaming and made a slideshow of the delivery that will just make the tears come pouring out. He only lived for 11 or 12 days and I read that he passed away while in his parents arms. I can't even write that sentence without getting choked up because the flesh part of me wants to say he was just a baby...he deserved a chance to live..his parents deserved to get to enjoy him. Before I go on I just want to say that that's not me getting angry with God and questioning him...those were just my first thoughts. As a parent myself, I just cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to have to bury your own child...especially your newborn child. They have a beautiful picture of him in black and white that was taken right before he passed away and with everything he had been through, he just looked so peaceful. They know he is in Heaven and that they will see him again one day. They seem to have strong faith which is the only thing that will help you get through a time like that, but my heart goes out to them. I don't know them from adam, but I will think about and pray for them often. I don't know why I chose to talk about these two blogs, or what relevance this has, but it has been a great relief to talk about how they made me feel.

Faith

When I say the word faith, I instantly hear the song "That's What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. That is a great song by the way. The subject of faith got brought up last week and made me revisit who I used to be. I heard things from my sister that I had never known until last week and when we hung up I had so many thoughts going through my head. I used to have a much stronger faith than I have now, and I'm not too proud of that. My faith should be stronger today than it was yesterday. I have grown in my faith some this past year and it's all due to the movie "Facing The Giants." I can't really explain what it does, but when things get really hard for me and I say out loud, "I will still love you Lord", it has really helped me lean on God and see Him working in my life. I have been so stressed over financial things and my job and I can't tell you the number of times I've been reminded of the verse that says He takes care of the birds and the bees and I am so much more than those things so won't He take care of me as well? I remember very well some of the feelings I had back when my faith was super strong and I went through many rough times, the only difference is I was constantly reading my bible and praying and I was so eager to go to church to learn more about Jesus. Now, I am still eager to go to church. I haven't been to church in a long time and I will be going back real soon. I have been contemplating which church to try because wherever I go, Maddy will have to go to children's church. For now I am thinking of going to my mom's church until I can figure out where I want to go to church, I just have to make myself get up and be ready in time to get Maddy up and ready. I need to make a lot more time for God in my day to day activities/life. I can say I do talk to Him regularly throughout the week, but I don't take the time to just be still and listen.Thinking about my past and who I used to be has really made me step up and work on building my "stone wall".It has my hope that Maddy will have a strong faith and I hope that one day she will be able to recognize the strength of mine. I want to encourage you as parents or even if you're not a parent, as a person to really take the time and work on your relationship with the Lord. This world and the things in this world doesn't even compare to Him.This world is not my home and I am so thankful for that!

Snow Day 2011

Me and Maddy had a great snow day. I woke up at 4 and saw everybody saying that it did snow and a lot so I look out my window and sure enough it did. I checked to see if Maddy's daycare was officially closed and it was, but my work was not. I decided to try to get some more sleep because I didn't go to bed until 11:30. When I woke back up I had a text from my mom saying my work was closed, but it hit me later that just because they say they are closed, doesn't mean I get out of work. Luckily my boss let me work only what I could today and I will have to make up the missed time throughout the week. Once I got all that cleared up it was time to have some fun. We measured the snow on our deck and we got 8". Maddy pAfter Maddy ate breakfast we just played around the house all morning. After my step dad got all the dogs outside taken care, we all packed up and drove down to my uncle's house to go sledding. We had to walk a little bit to get to the hill and by the time we got there, Maddy was already frozen. While they got the hill ready to sled on...Maddy decided she wanted to walk. There was a tire trackandshe loves walking any kind of track or trail. Right as she was getting fussy it was our turn to sled. This was my first time being in control of a sled and I was a little nervous, especially knowing I was responsible for Maddy. My uncle helped us be safe by holding the rope and following behind us to keep us from going to fast, as well as fall. The entire time Maddy just stayed leaning forward...when we stopped she wanted to go again, but she was having a coughing attack and her little hand was turning blue and that's with a mitten on so my mom and me took her back to my uncle's to get warm. She fussed the entire way back, had we had a sled she could have been pulled on I think she would have been fine. On our way to the sledding hill my uncle pulled me and her on the sled and she loved it up unitil snow startd to touch her leg. Once we got her inside and warmed up it was time for lunch. After lunch she just explored my aunt and uncle's house. She kept looking at her cousin Aria (they haven't gotten to be around each other as much as I would like due to Aria's health conditions) and trying to figure her out. It was funny because Aria just wached Maddy as well and she would wrinkle her eyebrows like she does when she is confused. Once my uncle and mom and step dad came back in we sat down and had us a nice hot bowl of chili.Maddy seemed to really like hers. After eating everybody just sat and talked and me and Maddy continued exploring. It was really a beautiful day today and I thank God for all the snow. I am now praying He will make a way for me to get all my time in this week as well as help me with work in general. I haven't looked to see if Maddy's daycare is closed tomorrow, but I'm sure it is so we will probably have a semi snow day. I can't have a full day snow day otherwise I will never get my time at work in. I hope you all had fun and stayed safe and warm!

Flu Blues

On my way to pick Maddy up from daycare Thursday evening, they call telling me she has a 103 fever. I figured she had an ear infection because she has had some fluid on her ear the past couple of weeks. When I actually got to daycare she looked so pitiful. She's had a high fever before and it was from an ear infection, but she didn't look the way she did when I got her. I went home to get her in some comfy jammies and to see if she wanted any bite bites...she didn't. So me and my mom drive to PM Pediatrics just to make sure it wasn't bronchitis or pneumonia cause she would grab her chest like it was hurting her. By the time they took her temp it was up to 104.9. Usually while we wait for the doctor to come in, Maddy is all over the place wanting to walk around and get into everything, but not this time. She stayed in my lap the entire time, just sitting there. They tested her for the flu and sure enough it was positve. She had strand b. Maddy had a rough night Thursday night...I think her ear was hurting her real bad cause she would wake up so often and just cry and then drift back off to sleep. I think the longest stretch of sleep for her was maybe 3 hours straight. When she woke up Friday morning her fever felt much lower. She tried playing but bless her heart her body still said, "No, we're still sick and need to rest." She was fussy off and on all day Friday. She got 2 naps in the car, but when she would wake up she'd just scream and pull her hair. She didn't really eat anything all day Friday, but the good news is she was pretty much fever free at least half of Friday. The biggest challenge has been getting her mediciine down her. Even when I put it on the side and in the back, she got smart enough to realize she could blow it right back out. She still woke often Friday night and got up real early this morning. She still remains fever free and she actually ate a little lunch today. She wasn't real fussy and helped her Nana put away Christmas decorations...she did a good job :) She is afraid of the vacuum and my mom was fixing to run it so Maddy crawled up in my lap and just sat and watched. My mom kept getting interrupted by the phone so Maddy eneded up staying in my lap a little while and she finally gave up and dozed off to sleep. It's been a really long time since she's been asleep in my arms and it was such a good feeling to relive. She woke up and went to her Pops for a minute, but then she came right back to me and wanted right back into my lap. I laid her back and she fell asleep a second time. Maddy is very active and sleeping like that during the day is just not her. I had to work for 4 hours so her dad came over to watch her for me and most of the time he was here, she spent it sleeping. She finally woke up about 6:20 and when she did, she acted completely normal. Her sinus' weren't running out her nose constantly, she actually ate...she had some vegetable soup, crackers, fries, and part of a krystal...her eyes looked more normal and she just seemed even better than she had been. I really feel that she slept so much today because the rest of the flu bug was trying to get out of her system completely. Needless to say bedtime was pushed back tonight. So far she's been in bed a little over an hour and hasn't woken up like she has been. She still has a cough, but that's very minimal to what it has been. The doctor told me tamiflu wasn't like a miracle drug or anything like that, but it sure seems to have been. He said it lasts about 7 days and tonight will be the second full night and she already seems a lot better. I don't like seeing my baby feel so bad and it's even worse when she can't really talk and tell me what hurts and what she wants. Actually, all in all the hardest part has been the fact that she'd keep saying she wanted more please, but everything i gave her she didn't want. she'd just keep saying more please and I just felt so bad. I think she was feeling hungry but once she got what she thought she wanted she realized it wasn't really what she thought she wanted. I really hope this is the last time I see the flu for a very very long time, i'd really like to not ever see it again, but I think that's a little impossible :P

Parenting

My oldest niece Sara got a lot of books this year for Christmas. Personally I hate reading. After seeing all the books she got, it made me want to start reading. Even though I hate reading, I can read books that relate to where I am in life at that moment. The biggest part of my life right now is being a parent. I have seen several books that gives tips to parents of teenagers. I wanted a book that helped you from birth on up to teen years. I did find some books, but chose to get "The parent You Want to Be: Who You Are Matters More Than What You Do" I am on Chapter 4 right now and all in all it is a good book. It definitely gets you to thinking about who you are as a person as well as a couple, if you are a couple. They wrote this book primarily for couples for obvious reason, but as a single parent you can adapt. One of the most important things apart from teaching her who Jesus is, is making sure Maddy has positive self esteem. They say to "affirm" your child much different than I have been, but it makes total sense. They say when your child does something good, for example, win a field day race...instead of saying, "Wow you're a fast runner", to say things that allow them to make that positive inference...such as "I can tell you worked really hard out there" or ""I can see you gave it your all" It is going to take me some time to reprogram my affirmation skills, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

Happy New Year!

Well, this will be my first post of the new year. It's so hard to believe it's 2011. I remember y2k and how they thought everything would crash and once the clock struck 12, things just kept right on going as usual. Now it's 11 years later and things are keepin on keepin on. I kinda have some make up to do, so here we go. Christmas Eve me and Maddy spent most of the day with my mom doing our last minute Christmas shopping. We were supposed to be getting our "traditional" santa pic done at the mall, but there was so much to do already and she already has pictures of her and santa from school, and her hair was already messed up that I finally said forget it! For dinner we ate at Waffle House, which is actually a tradition my stepdad(along with my mom) tried to get started for us, but somewhere along the way it stopped. Once we got home, my sister along with her 2 girls came over as they were going to spend the night with us. The girls were so excited because they knew santa was coming. Once they got into bed me and my sister started wrapping presents. We stayed up till about 4:00 a.m. and was I ever so glad to be going to bed once we were done. When we woke up the next morning there was so much snow...it was just so beautiful. My nieces had been up and waiting for a while, so since Maddy was being quiet in her crib we decided to let them go ahead and go see what santa left them. It only lasted maybe 20 minutes and Maddy was ready to see what all was going on. It's my tradtition, started by my mom I do believe, to have pigs in a blanket on Christmas morning, so that was Maddy's breakfast along with some milk. When we walked into the living room I think she was overwhelmed. We had a room full of people along with a room full of presents and she wanted to stick close to mom. Her dad came over around 5 or 6 a.m. in order to not miss her waking up on Christmas morning. She just sat and stared at her presents not really knowing what to do. She got a Playskool house that has all kinds of buttons and music, a princess pup up activity hut, and I'm not sure of the brand but it's a piano that either sits or stands and you can hook it up to the tv and interact that way or if you don't want it hooked up to the tv, it still plays music.  The rest of her gifts included several dogs, several baby dolls, a shopping cart with food, a kitchen, a couple dvd's, puzzles, candy and some other things I can't seem to remember. All in all she had a great Christmas! We did take her outside long enough for her to see the snow and I put some in my hand to let her feel...she thought that was funny. That was our Christmas at home. The rest of the day consisted of going to my aunt and uncle's and eating and doing what is called a chinese gift exchange...it's super fun but I hate having to get up in front of everybody. The last thing we did was go to Maddy's dad's dad's house hehe. This is a very shortened version of Christmas.
For New Year's, Maddy's dad came over pretty early and we went to Wal-Mart to buy our new year's hats and of coarse had to get Maddy a little headband as well. Once my mom and stepdad got home we ate pizza, gave Maddy a bath, let her try on her headband and play some, then put Maddy to bed, then we played on the Wii for a little bit. We played Gold's Gym Cardio Workout and oh man, I woke up the next day so sore. Afterwards we played a card game called Phase 10. It lasted a couple hours or so and Maddy's dad ended up beating us all after he started out in last place. Once we were done, we just sat and watched the rockin new year's eve and then counted down and said happy new year. Pretty soon afterwards I went straight to bed ad luckily Maddy didn't wake up the next day until 9. On New Year's we went shopping with Maddy's Nana and then ate at Carrabba's for dinner.

As you can see I had a very busy but good holiday for both Christmas and New Year. As the last of the holiday weekend was coming to a close, I started feeling real sad and a lot of anxiety about going back to work. I am so stressed out at work. This is just Tuesday and already I feel as if I've worked a full week. I know the devil is trying to make me feel defeated and hopeless and he's doing a good job, but luckily I know that God is in control and I choose to let Him lead me. I have been praying over my job and I know that all I can do is my best and if it's just not good enough, then God has another plan for me. That is very scary to me because I don't have that second income to fall back on and my daughter's necessities don't stop just because I am jobless. It's also very scary to think about because I desperately need insurance for her. Everytime I start worry about this and that I instantly hear or think about how God provides for the birds and He thinks much higher of me then He does the birds. This new year I'm not really making a resolution...I never have really, but without even thinking about I decided to strive to get closer to God each and every day. This angered the devil and he is trying to prevent me from doing what I set out to do, but in the long run I will not let him win. Life without God is impossible and I want my love for Him to grow each and every day. One book I got myself this weekend is called, "I'm Not Good Enough"...and other lies women tell themselves by Sharon Jaynes. If you are a woman or lady, I highly recommend this book. I am just on chapter 4, but already it is doing some good. It's also deepening my relationship with the Lord and that excites me very much so.